Dir. Ronald Emmerich, Writ. Ronald Emmerich & Harald Kloser, Star. Cliff Curtis, Steven Strait, and Camilla Belle
The worst movie I’ve seen this year. *SPOILERS*
Here’s some trivia: It was not written and directed by a 3rd grader. That may be hard to believe, but I imdb’d it. The dude is 50 something with no obvious mental disability. Go figure.
I’ll give you the rundown of the plot in case you go to a cocktail party hosted by a remedial english class for jerk-offs getting their G.E.D.s:
It starts off in New Zealand where you meet a village. They are a stubborn and proud neolithic people, who prefer to live on top of an icy mountain in only loin clothes. Back in the day, race was not a dominant phenotype; the village is white, black, pacific islander, and latino. DNA was weird then. Fluid exchange meant one thing: dreadlocks.
You meet the players. There’s the protagonist Ted (I could care less what his real name was), the mentor Tic-tac, the biddie, and some little turd-burrito kid. You get some voice over narration (from who I like to imagine is a drunk, homeless guy talking to himself).
So, they’re all chilling on top of this mountain eating Manacs (Mammoths), when, oh no, some vikings hike all the way up this mountain to kidnap ten kiwis who are too stupid to wear coats in the winter.
Ted is all like, “Oh, no, you didn’t.” So, Ted, Tic-tac, and the turd-chili chase after the vikings. They walk for a weekend and end up in the middle of Africa. The Africans shit their pants because Ted isn’t eaten by a long-tooth (sabretooth tiger) and some other African had drawn a dude and a long-tooth on a rock previously. Of course, all the different tribes rally under Ted to go fetch that biddie.
They walk for another weekend, and end up in Egypt and about 7000 years into the future. By the way, the Vikings were Egyptian, and the Egyptian empire only covered about 15 city blocks.
Ted is a little freaked. Tic-tac is dead, and he doesn’t know how to lead. He makes an expert plan: get the Egyptians’ Manacs all riled up. It works and there is a big ol’ riot.
Everyone freaks out. They’re all like, “the egyptian king is a god.” Ted is all like, “He’s just a dude in a dress.” He yells Sparta and defeats his Egyptian foe.
Unfortunately, the biddie dies, but she comes back to life. The turd-salad is very sad and then very relieved.
Such horrible, horrible trash.