Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Dir. Steven Spielberg; Writ. David Koepp, George Lucas; Star. Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, John Hurt, Shia LeBeouf.

Yeah, Harrison Ford is in his sixties, but Indiana Jones would be awesome if he was saving the world from a wheelchair. He’s still up and at ‘em in I.J.4. Ford tried to do as many of his own stunts as possible, and I can’t imagine doing half the stuff he does at 36, let alone 66. I couldn’t do it now.

I love Even Stevens, but I was scared the Shia TheBeef was going to leave a permanent blotch on the seminal action series. It turns out, he’s awesome. He’s no Indy, but the addition of “Mutt” is one of the strongest features of the film.

It’s really been too long for the silver screen to go without the archaeologist bludgeoning a seven foot villain. (I’d like to see Indy fight in a museum. What would he use to clobber the bad guys when he’s surrounded by the very artifacts he struggles to preserve?)

The first third of this film is not to be missed. It’s been 19 years since the Last Crusade came out, and time hasn’t slowed down for Indiana Jones. Set in the 50s, we’ve got Soviets instead of Nazis, American paranoia over American pride, and more leather jackets and less fedoras. The time piece segments of the movie were the ones I most enjoyed. If you remember the classic Indiana Jones’ humor of “No ticket,” you’re going to find it in the first third of this film.

The Crystal Skull is an Indiana Jones movie, so it’s automatically pretty damn awesome, though this is the weakest in the series. There’s never been so much sci-fi before, and it feels a little out of place. Mutt is cool; it’s nice to see Marian Ravenwood again; it makes sense that Jones would have an adventure partner as he gets older; and why not throw in Hurt as some old, crazy guy. In the end, there are just too many characters. My own opinion is that the whole shebang should’ve just been about Mutt and Indy. Cate Blanchett also could’ve had a bit more of a Russian accent and a bit less of not having one.

You’re kind of an idiot if you don’t see this movie, even if you don’t like it.

I’m an oober star wars fan, and I’m going to say it, “Fuck off, George Lucas. Fuck off.” I forgave Jar-jar Binks. I got over CGI Yoda. I went along with dialogue that would’ve been bad for a Spanish soap opera. George Lucas has gone too far. He needs to get lost. I used to dream of episodes 7-9. No longer. Computers can make some cool shit. Everyone gets it. That doesn’t mean I want to see goddamn CGI gophers and monkeys.

“Woah, DUDE! Check. It. Out.: Look, right there, on the screen! There’s a gopher! It, like, almost looks real, but not exactly! Thank God, they put in that eye-sore! There was totally no other way for that scene to be expressed!”

“Well, check this one out, bro! I’m totally shitting my pants over this baker’s dozen of CGI monkeys! I’m abso-fucking-lutely going to have to pretend my girlfriend is George Lucas tonight! How’s a guy supposed to get off otherwise after witnessing such cinematic brilliance?”

I’m waiting for computers to generate some taste.

I know George Lucas was the producer, but, come on, we all know this bullshit is his fault.


2 responses to “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

  • bfnk not checked into the OP

    Max, this review… well, was nothing short of brilliant. When I heard (SPOILER(?)) aliens where in the flick, I thought, “WTF!?!?!?!?!?!” But then I saw the movie and I loved it.
    It is a “fan fiction” of IJ brought to life with millions of dollars backing it.

  • mangold

    i also really liked it. cate blanchett was probably my favorite part, she clearly had a ton of fun playing that role and coming up with the hoaky accent. it was definitely ridiculous and over-the-top, but it was a good time. great review btw, love the george lucas bash.

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