Race to Witch Mountain

Classic American tale.

A man with the American dream. He’s in debt. He was a foster child in and out of prison his whole life. Now, he’s a taxi driver working his way up to one day buy the same mustang Steve McQueen drove in Bullit.

So, he ends up going on a roadtrip to find himself. Oh, did I mention his fare is two alien children, cause that’s kind of important. Plus, there’s an alien bounty hunter chasing them.

The Rock solves his problems like any red, white, and blue blooded American would, with his fists, table legs, and inarticulate puns. Seriously, if there is any universal law to the universe, it is this: No matter how threatening the foe, whether it be driven fanatics, advanced extraterrestrials, or God himself, America is probably going to save humanity by throwing the right rock at it and yelling “Hasta la vista, Chump.”

Since nobody is going to see this movie, allow me a spoiler. The Earth is saved. Just kidding, I bet everyone figured that one out. No, my favorite scene is when the Rock goes into a U.F.O. convention with the alien kids. He comes across two guys dressed as Stormtroopers, who he earlier harassed in his cab. These two guys are awesome:

Stormtrooper 1: “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Rebel Alliance cab driver.”

Stormtrooper 2: “You’re in my house now, Wamprat.”

Classic. Funniest thing I’ve seen since forever, though nobody seems to agree.

POST SCRIPT NOTE: Be ashamed of yourself if you fall in love with AnnaSophia Robb, she is 15. Fricken’ empaths. With all their “I understand your secret emotions,” they are so seductive. HEY! I’m a 21st century man! We’re past mom and dad dilemmas. My freudian issues are all tied up in E.T. being a fictional character. (Why, E.T., why? I loved you so much! Why must my love go unrequited?)


3 responses to “Race to Witch Mountain

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